My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.