Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
cats when you pet them too long:
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore