I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*