*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You Might Also Like
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*