My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.