I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
remember
only for emergencies
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.