Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Seas the day!!!!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.