My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
You Might Also Like
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing