why no one uses midhusbands
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
you gotta be faster
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I’m giving up for Lent.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find