Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Aight bet
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.