Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
New tinder profile pic
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
#Caturday
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it