“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU