Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Beware of the dog..
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing