Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.