Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I beg your pardon?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang