ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.