toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
goldfish mafia
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Meow
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Cannot stop laughing at this
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Brands during Pride
#Caturday