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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
That time Alicia messaged me
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
what are they serving at kfc then???
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
cry laughing at this shit
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
LOL!
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.