John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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*bounce*
*dabs*
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*bounce*
*dabs*
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*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific