ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
😲 WTF? 😆
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.