I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
$3 #books
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting