My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x