If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
mechanics be like
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.