Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.