them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.