Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”