Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
DOOO EEEET
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”