Peter Parker Peter Driver
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Personal question. #JustSaying
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!