Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
wow
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.