Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
not seeing the problem
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.