Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Geez man, take it easy.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with