[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade