“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
love it when they get my name right
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.