If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Finally, a door that understands me
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.