Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
thanksgiving in nutshell
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Incredible customer service.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.