The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Watermelon Boss!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…