*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.