When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout