No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Gods work.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.