My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
You Might Also Like
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.