My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”