I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
This cat wants you to take your pills
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
accurate
Doggies just call it style.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
This kid will have a bright future.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?