5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))