HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.