*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.