FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Basketball
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.