Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too