Animal poetry
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I bet
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.