Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road