Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You Might Also Like
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water